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As the interview wound down, the reporter, a young woman, asked me the surprisingly personal question off the record.
She wanted me to teach her how to know what she wanted in bed.
Since decent human beings only want to have sex with people who are into it, this shouldn’t be a hard sell.
But if you’ve been raised to think of sex as a battle of the sexes, or a business deal in which men “get some” and women either “give it up” or “save it” for marriage, it can still be a jarring idea, like suggesting to someone that there’s something they could breathe other than air.
What’s much more likely is that he didn’t care how she felt one way or the other and treated her boundaries as a challenge. Teaching affirmative consent does something profound: It shifts the acceptable moral standard for sex, making it much clearer to everyone when someone is violating that standard.
I think often of the two men who intervened when they came upon Brock Turner assaulting an unconscious woman at Stanford — they knew instantly that something was wrong, because she was clearly not participating.
When asked why he didn’t intervene, he told the court, “Well, it wasn’t violent. I always pictured it as forcing yourself on someone.” I’m sure there are many differences between Westlake and the two men in the Turner case — and these cases are different from the Ansari situation — but the one that stands out to me is that Westlake was raised here in the US.It’s impossible to know for sure what Ansari was thinking on the night in question, but this is a seasoned performer who knows how to read a crowd, and a “relationship expert” to boot.It strains credulity to imagine he truly thought she was excited about what was happening between them.The odds of a student being injured in one of those fires are so small as to be functionally zero.It’s likely that the fire risk to American students is so low in part because we prepare them so well to stay safe.